Around Wednesday of this week, I noticed that my performance at work was not exactly up to par. I had forgotten to return phone calls, left things undone on my To-Do list, emails had gone unanswered… and worst of all, I was getting dates confused in my head. None of this is at all like me, under normal circumstances.

But of course, these aren’t exactly normal circumstances, although they feel and appear suspiciously like them. I am currently living a simulation of my normal life, in which I go about my every day tasks while somewhere in the dark corners of my subconscious, my brain is chewing away at the reality of the massive change that is about to occur in my life.

So, while listening to people’s phone messages, I am actually trying not to think about the fact that the last name I have used for the past twenty-seven years, the name my father bears and passed on to me, will soon no longer be my own. Little wonder those phone calls don’t get returned with haste.

Conversely, my dreams have been boiling over during my sleeping hours, reminding me that below the surface, things are astir. A few nights ago I dreamed that my fiance was cheating on me and really didn’t seem to think it was a big deal, even in light of our impending nuptials. I woke up with relief and held my real fiance tightly, so glad to know that it was just a dream.

Obviously, things are processing here without my knowledge. On the surface, I feel fine. I did a lot of emotional processing for the first few months that we were engaged, dealing with a lot of lingering issues that kept me from accepting that yes, I really do deserve to be marrying this wonderful person. Now I am much more focused on getting the details of the big day set.

Or so I would like to believe.

Advertisements