So I got a call from my ex yesterday. And I don’t mean a long-gone, “Oh hey, how you doin, let’s catch up” ex. No, I mean the ex I was living with when I met my fiance.

Yeah, that wasn’t a pretty breakup. And our relations in the intervening months haven’t been, either.

For reasons that my beloved cannot understand, I am still deeply affected whenever I hear from this individual. It stands to reason, after all, that since I was the one who left him, naturally I would have no lasting issues. Right?

Well, wrong. For one thing, as one might infer from the quick transfer of loyalties on my behalf, the end of our relationship wasn’t exactly amicable. In addition, he was the last in a long series of men (OK, boys) who really only valued me for my looks. While I admit that I do have a few, um, assets in that regard, I always found that it was somewhat missing the point. Thankfully, my fiance agrees.

Needless to say, on both counts I still have a lot of fear, anger, and disdain regarding this particular break up, which for the most part I succeed in keeping wrapped up in some very ugly place inside of me. When I hear from him, though, it becomes exceedingly difficult to keep it there.

However, what really bothers me about hearing from this person has absolutely nothing to do with him per se. Rather, it has everything to do with my college boyfriend, whom I dated long-distance for two years and fully intended on moving in with and marrying soon after I graduated.

Instead, he dumped me two weeks later, leaving me with a plane ticket, a massively broken heart, and no idea what to do with my life. He then proceeded to ignore me for the next two years, during which time he got married and had a baby (significantly less than 9 months later, might I add).

So really, the truth is that I have a guilty conscience. We weren’t together for nearly as long, but still, I completely bailed on this more recent person – just like my first love did to me. Not only that, but I am getting married after a seemingly short period of time. And, in trying to assuage my guilty conscience, I have completely cut off relations with this person, thereby ensuring that I have treated him precisely how my ex treated me – which was exactly what I wanted to avoid.

Um… whoops.

So here’s my predicament: I really don’t want this person back in my life. He’s unhealthy for me, and frankly I don’t even have time for the people in my life whom I want there, much less those I don’t. But how can I honor that while treating him better than my ex has treated me? I am still unsure, but there may be a letter involved.

Oh, the ex hex. Why must we do these things to ourselves? No matter how much self-discovery I may do, that one still eludes me.

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